Hi Hanna,

The theme of ‘grief’ comes up a lot in my work supporting families and it’s something I experience personally as a parent of SEN children. It’s a tricky subject to talk about as it is easy to feel guilt or shame for experiencing grief. I wouldn’t want my children to be any different, I love them exactly as they are. Autism is not a bad thing; my family just have brains that work a little differently to some other people. Having said that, I can’t help but feel sadness when I see families doing things like going to a café together, doing anything at all as family in fact, being able to go out for the day without a plan for every possible eventuality, having children who go to school in the morning without extreme upset – I could go on and on. It’s ok for me to feel love and acceptance for my children exactly as they are and at the same time to feel some sadness for the challenges they have and some grief for the experiences I imagined I would have but in reality never will. It is ok for me to feel grateful for my amazing healthy children and at the same time a little resentful that daily life can be such a struggle.

I chose to write this email as I see this grief in many families I work with but I also see that that people often don’t allow themselves to feel it, to lean into it. I’m writing this as I want people to know that they don’t need to feel guilty for feeling some sadness that things are different to how they expected. It’s ok for us to grieve for the family life we thought we would have. 

I do believe however that is it not helpful to wallow in sadness and for me, gratitude is key. I am compassionate to myself about any sadness I feel but I choose to focus on gratitude. I start everyday writing down 10 things I am grateful for on lovely coloured paper that I pop into my beautiful gratitude jar and I end everyday lying in bed holding my gratitude crystal that reminds me to mentally go through the day saying thank you for all the good things. I highly recommend the book The Magic by Rhonda Byrne (which talks you through strategies like the ones I mentioned). I listened to it on Audible and I can honestly say it changed my life. 

Thanks for listening to my reflections and I hope that by sharing so vulnerably, I have helped some of you. If your experience is very different to mine and you don’t resonate with my reflections then that is ok; your experience is equally as valid.

If your children are going back to school next week (I think most English schools are) then I hope the transition goes as well as it can and I'll be thinking of you. I think next week might be ok for my boys (they go back on Wednesday), it's the full week after that that I'm worried about but fingers crossed!

Hanna