| Hi ,
I’d never really thought about the term ‘resilience’ until I read a blog about it about a year ago by Dr Naomi Fisher. She questions whether adults (often professionals) say that children need to be more resilient in order to avoid really thinking about the implications of their distress. When children have meltdowns or struggle with attending school, rather than looking at what’s going on, what the root cause is, often parents get told that their child needs to be more resilient. You can read the original blog here. Ever since I read it I decided I hated the word and I vowed never to use it!
Fast forward a year to a meditation/yoga type event I went to this January where on arrival we were all presented with a beautiful hand painted pebble with a special word on. There were words such as love, trust, connection and you’ve guessed it...I got resilience! It really triggered me and made me feel uncomfortable. Something I’ve learned in recent years is to lean into discomfort; there can be magic and growth in discomfort (if you go gently) and so I started to think more about resilience and what it means to me and how it relates to my children.
Naomi Fisher did not say that resilience is a bad word, in fact she acknowledges it can be empowering. Her issue is how it is used, or rather misused. So let’s think about the word. Resilience can be defined as the ability to adapt to and recover from situations (including crisis) and maintaining psychological wellbeing in the face of adversity.
Psychologists suggest that to be resilient a person needs:
- Awareness
- Self-control
- Problem-solving skills
- Social support
- Believe in themselves
They also suggest that people find it hard to be resilient if they:
- Lack self-esteem
- Take on too much
- Are in an unsupportive environment
- Struggle with change
- Have not had enough life experience to know bad situations pass and that they can overcome challenges
How many of our children have awareness, self-control, problem-solving skills, social support and believe in themselves?! This is a tall order for many of our children! I suspect many of our children do indeed lack self-esteem, feel overwhelmed with attending school full time, struggle with change, aren’t confident that things will ever change for them and do not feel safe/comfortable in school. Perhaps instead of suggesting children become more resilient we need to start addressing some of these things. We need to question whether the environment is right and if not how the environment can be adapted rather than suggesting there is something wrong with the child. We need to question whether a full time timetable is appropriate, how we can build a child's self-esteem, how we can help them feel safe and much more.
As parents of children with SEN we are called to be resilient ourselves. I've actually grown to love the word (I've really surprised myself)! For me, resilience is about saying ‘yes’ and thank you to life, day after day, despite the challenges. It’s acknowledging when I need help and support; when I can push myself and when I need to pull back. It’s about faith; believing everything always works out for me.
Some people say resilience is about toughness. I kind of get that, I do think there is a strength to being resilient. However for me toughness can link with masking. A tough exterior, seeming ‘fine’ but actually experiencing emotional distress on the inside. I actually think the opposite of toughness - gentleness - is key to developing resilience. Being gentle on yourself and self-compassionate. Acknowledging when you need help and support. Like with my newsletters for example…I intend to write weekly newsletters and I love doing so but I’ve not written one in weeks. I could have forced myself despite being busy and stressed with my family situation and would have demonstrated toughness…but instead I cut myself some slack and prioritised my clients, my family and my mental wellbeing – I was gentle with myself. And despite some tricky weeks with one of my children in particular, I feel strong and I do feel resilient!
This was yet again another newsletter without a key point really…just some musings on resilience that might spark your thinking. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you’d like to share.
Hanna
I can't believe I'm saying this but I only have space to support 3 more children before the end of the school year! So please get in touch asap if you are thinking about Sensory Success.
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