Hi Hanna,

I hope you are doing ok in these challenging times? I'm hanging in there! My 11 year old has just been granted an EHCP (whoop!) and we are awaiting a panel decision for EOTAS (eek!). It's been stressful as I'm sure you understand, but we're getting there. 

Last weekend I went to Anglesey with my son who is out of school. There was an in-person meet up for the online school he attends. The trip was a great success and I am celebrating my son and myself for this. I don't always get things right but I feel that in this situation I managed to find the right balance. If one end of the scale was letting him stay at home in his safety of his room and the other end of the scale was forcing him against his will way outside of his comfort zone, then I believe I managed to find the mid point; a gentle loving nudge out of his comfort zone (which is where the magic happens!). 

I'm going to talk you through some of the situations that arose. I intend that these examples support you to reflect on what is right for you and your family. I am not saying what I did is right for all; what I did felt right for my family. I think that consideration needs to be given to where your child is in their burnout journey (if relevant). When a child is in burnout, they need an extremely low demand approach and they need to be cared for within their comfort zone (please see my newsletter library for my past newsletters on burnout). However, in situations like with my son, when a child has recovered from burnout but has spent a long period of time mainly at home in their comfort zone, they perhaps need some gentle nudges to begin to expand their world a little. 

The first important thing I did was to find the right time to suggest the idea of the Anglesey trip to get an informed yes from my son to book it. This may sound obvious but in the past I've definitely suggested things when he is grumpy, tired or overwhelmed and of course he's said no in those situations. Once I've had an initial no, he rarely changes his mind. I've also learned that 'maybe' actually means no. So I won't book anything if he says maybe; it's got to be an initial definite yes, otherwise there is no chance he'll see it through. 

The week before the trip my son's anxiety started to build and he wanted to change his mind and cancel it. I was confident that when he made the decision to book, he really wanted to go and that this was just last minute nerves. I suggested that the two of us treat it as a holiday just for us, that we would go and enjoy the camping pod with hot tub and that we only needed to join the group for an hour, rather than join the full 2 days. There were times that week when he said "I'm not going" and I let him know that it was ok to be worried but that it was probably not helpful to talk about it that evening as it was days away - I knew that engaging in discussion would make it worse for him not better, especially as the times he talked about not wanting to go were times when he was tired. 

We went to Anglesey the evening before the meet up and we took his Xbox and laptop to the camping pod. This was key to our success so that he didn't spend all evening worrying about the next morning and he felt more at home. On the Saturday morning of the meet up he was nervous but I reiterated we could leave early. He said he definitely didn't want to stay for the Sunday and that he wanted to go at lunch time that day and I said no problem we could do that. We met everyone and went rock pooling. My son stuck with me and didn't really engage with the others which was fine. At lunch he said he wanted to go now. I said yes sure we could leave but it would need to be in 10 minutes when everyone had finished lunch. I wanted to honour the promise to leave when he wanted to but I also wanted to see what the after lunch activity would be just in case he changed his mind. After lunch one of the children ran fully clothed into the sea! The other children laughed and most of them followed. My son said he wanted to go into the sea. I wanted to ask him to wait so that I could run to the car for his trunks and water shoes but I also knew I had to go with the moment so I walked to the sea with him and he ran in. He waved his hand at me telling me to go away back to where the parents were sitting. And that was it for the afternoon. He didn't even seem to look up to check I was there. He was having the time of his life playing with the other children in the sea and on the beach. I wanted to cry and scream and dance - it's been so so long since he has done something like this, I couldn't believe it.

On the way back to the campsite he asked whether we could join for the Sunday and I said of course; I was so delighted. That evening we looked at Google images of the next day location so that he felt prepared. But on the Sunday morning he woke and immediately said that he just wanted to go home. I could see the previous day had likely used up most of his spoons (energy) but I suggested to him that making a decision when you first wake up is not a good idea and that I was going to check with him an hour later. After an hour l asked him what he wanted to do, he said he definitely wanted to go home so we did. 

A few days later, he came down from his room and asked me whether he could meet a friend at the park by himself. He has never done this before! I had to hide my excitement and act really chilled about it! He has barely left the house since January and then a meet up in Anglesey and a trip to the park without me in the same week! I can't help but feel that this expansion he has had, stemmed from Anglesey trip. And then a week later, he met a friend from his online school to do a treetop trek activity. Again, he wanted to cancel last minute but I reminded him that he had agreed to do it and that if he didn't enjoy it we could leave early. He had a great time and left with a real sense of achievement. I think that allowing him to leave Anglesey a day early, helped build trust; my son knew that if he asked to leave early, we would. 

One final thought. Parents have spoken to me in my support groups in the past about getting overly excited about progress like this and then pushing it too far and the child crashing back into burnout or having their confidence and self esteem dented. I think it is wise to take some time to enjoy and celebrate positive leaps and to try to allow the next leap to flow naturally whenever that may be. I really feel that 'expansion' is the word that sums up what has gone on for my son (and me) in the last few weeks and I think that when people expand, they need some time to adjust to their new edges. I'm not sure if that makes any sense; it's hard to put this into words, it's just something I get a sense of. 

I hope that this was helpful and that it has enabled you to reflect on where your point of balance in situations like this is. Please do reply and share if you'd like to.

Hanna

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