Hi Hanna,

I mentioned patience last week in my newsletter about meltdowns. Something happened this week that made me reflect more deeply on patience and I thought I would share it in case you too would like to reflect on this topic. 

I took my son swimming. It's his favourite activity. We went to the same pool we always go to on the same day and at the same time so there was no reason for there to be an issue. As we were about to get into the pool he stopped. He didn't initially seem anxious or upset, he just walked around the edge of the pool and I couldn't work out what was wrong and why he wouldn't get in. I got in the pool and watched him walk around the edge. He didn't seem upset so I left him to it as even though I didn't know what was wrong, I knew he needed time. After 20 minutes, I started to have thoughts like 'this is getting silly now', 'our swim session will be finished before he gets in and then he'll be upset' and 'I need to try something'.

I went over to my son and suggested he come to the deep end where it was quieter. He then told me he couldn't get in because of the girl with the pink swimming costume. He didn't know her and she didn't seem to be doing anything unusual. But the fact was that my son had decided that he could not get in because of her and he started to become annoyed and upset. When she got out to go on the slide, his body shook and he screamed...the situation started to escalate. I knew that if he just got into the water, he'd enjoy it but I also knew that this issue in his head about the girl was a very real block for him. I told him we had lots of time and suggested he sit on the edge with me and just dip his feet in - he wouldn't do this. I tried reasoning with him, I tried saying things like, 'she is in the shallow end so we'll be fine in the deep end', but this didn't work.

In the past I may have said something like 'our swim session only has 10 minutes left so you need to get in otherwise you'll miss swimming' but I knew this would have increased his already high anxiety and would have led to a meltdown.

After about 45 minutes, I realised that his issue with the girl in the pink costume was his reality and there was nothing I could do to change that. I asked him whether he wanted to wait for the girl in pink to get out and he agreed. We stood at the edge of the pool for a further 20 minutes. He wasn't happy but he was ok. It will have looked to anyone watching that I was doing nothing, but I was actually doing something very important - I was being patient and I was giving my son the gift of time. 

One hour and 5 minutes after we had first got to the poolside, the girl in the pink costume got out! Finally! We got in and had our usual lovely swim session. The lifeguards know us and they were fine with us staying for the next swim session. My son was fine afterwards. I was exhausted. Even though he didn't have a meltdown, knowing that he was on edge for over an hour was stressful. Keeping myself calm was a challenge, being so patient was a challenge. And I had to really think about every word that came out of my mouth as I knew saying the 'wrong' thing could rapidly change the situation. 

I've reflected on this incident and I think the successful outcome (it was successful in my opinion) was largely down to my patience. I have not always been this patient with him! In the past I've caved to the pressure (of time or of what other people think) and it's ended badly.

Sometimes our children need a lot of time. Sometimes it's not just an extra 10 minutes but they actually need a lot more time. As a society we are generally very busy, we tend to rush and we have schedules to keep to. Our children challenge that and I think this is a gift! Our children are helping us to slow down, to be more present and to be more patient. It's not an easy lesson for us to learn though, is it?!

A final thought for you to consider if you'd like to go even deeper. Before we can be patient with others, we need to be able to be patient with ourselves. How could you be more patient with yourself? 

Hanna