Does it feel safe for children to be themselves and ask for help?

Strap yourself in for a big read! I have been thinking this week about children (and adults) advocating for themselves and it’s taken my thoughts into some interesting directions. I‘ll start at the beginning…my son’s school have identified that it may be helpful for him to have some learning breaks and the lovely teacher has reassured him that all he needs to do is ask and he can leave the class. He’s in year 6 so in theory it’s important that he develops the confidence/ability to be able to say when he needs a break and then be able to walk out to get a break, in preparation for secondary school next year. However, this is so hard to do and at the moment he can’t do it. He knows he needs some breaks but he can’t bring himself to ask or to leave the class. There are other strategies we can use instead so there’s not a big issue but this newsletter isn’t about that. I’m going to give you a couple more scenarios and then I’ll try to come to a point.

I realised that at age 43, I have only really been able to advocate for my sensory and emotional needs for about a year! And even now it’s not easy. I was at a women’s circle recently (this is where women sit together and share feelings and thoughts and support each other), and there was background music playing which was pleasant and calming as people were coming in and getting settled. However, the music was still playing when the sharing started and I could feel my body tensing, my nervous system becoming overloaded and my anxiety rising at the thought of having to interrupt the sharing to ask for the music to be turned off. It was a lovely supportive group and the group facilitator was friendly and approachable so I found the courage to put my hand up, apologise for interrupting and explain that I wasn’t able to listen to what people were saying with the music on. On reflection, I realise that one of the reasons I found this so hard to do was because I’ve spent a lifetime trying to look normal and fit in and so raising my hand to ask for the music off actually felt like I was raising my hand and ousting myself as different.

One more scenario and then I’ll try to tie it all together! Professionals and teachers including me, make so many ‘good’ recommendations for children to help make things easier but time and time again I hear that the child won’t use the strategy or equipment as they don’t want to look different to their peers. And in secondary schools, I’ll be told that a young person looks fine in class but that they aren’t choosing to leave class for a break or to use their laptop etc and so there’s nothing anyone can do. I’ll also read countless EHCP outcomes that are some variation of, the child “will be able to identify and respond to their own sensory needs” (as I’ve just pointed out - this is what I’ve only just been able to do at age 43!)

I think the theme I’m identifying is related to fitting in, looking ‘normal’ and actually quite a primal drive to survive. Right now in 2024, it still doesn't currently feel safe for many of us to show our true selves for fear of being seen as 'different'. I believe the answer to this serious conundrum is unfortunately a long-term one; there is no obvious quick fix. I believe the answer lies in how we as a society view diversity and difference. The very term neurodivergent suggests a divergence from ‘normal’. I use the term neurodivergent but I don’t personally like it. I think the term is helpful though for showing us as a society where we are currently at. I’ve experienced many professionals say to me or families I’m supporting, “there’s no such thing as normal” but then they proceed to act in a way that suggests the contrary!

I like to believe that one day, possibly way in the future, society will not think in terms of typical and divergent but just in terms of diversity. I think it’s helpful here to consider the physical and social models of disability. In brief, the physical model sees a person with things wrong with them that need to be fixed and the social model views the environment as disabling. If we use the social disability lens to think of the scenarios I started this blog with, then it’s not the child or adult feeling overwhelmed and overloaded that needs fixing and needs professionals to develop strategies for, but the environment needs to not overwhelm and overload in the first place! And a more accessible inclusive environment (at school, work, public places) would be better for everyone, not just those of us with highly reactive nervous systems.

In practical terms, I’m talking about teachers, group leaders, managers etc routinely considering the lighting, noise levels, what’s on display (visual overwhelm), giving adequate processing time, providing key information in a variety of formats, physical accessibility (the list could go on and on). And to be more specific in schools, I’m talking about more time for physically active learning rather than so much seated learning (and then children won’t need to be singled out for movement breaks), more play, more topics around children’s and teachers’ interests, sensory equipment available in all classrooms for all children and use of it being normalised (including being used by the staff), lower stimuli classrooms (without all the overloading displays that Ofsted expect), comfortable clothing so that children can focus on learning and not uncomfortable tactile sensation, collaboration around rules and expectations so that teachers understand what children find difficult rather than punishing them at secondary school. I could go on!

Whilst I realise this blog doesn’t offer helpful practical ideas for right now in 2024, I do think it’s important that as parents and teachers we have these discussions and we question and challenge the status quo because it’s not working! I have teacher and Headteacher friends who agree with me – I’m not sure if there is actually anyone who believes the current education system works for all. I realise this is a slight oversimplification of the national SEND crisis, but rather than only looking at what we can do for SEND children, why don’t we redesign the system for all children? And I don’t mean a few tweaks; the system is broken and we need a brave new inclusive approach fit for the current era.

Anyway! Thanks for listening. It’s ok if you have different views and opinions, in fact debate is helpful. What matters is that we talk about this and that we work together for change in education so that future generations don’t feel they need to hide who they are and instead feel safe to be their authentic selves.

Hanna