Supporting meltdowns

One of the questions I get asked the most is “what can I do to support my child when they are in meltdown?" Witnessing your child in meltdown can be distressing, stressful and sometimes it can be dangerous for both you and your child. My son’s meltdowns are a lot less frequent now that he is older, having said that, now that he is a lot bigger, his meltdowns can be a little scary.

Unfortunately, there is no magic strategy that makes meltdowns immediately stop (or if there is, then please let me know!) There are however a number of things for you to consider to help support your child and yourself through a meltdown:

• Co-regulation – this is when an adult who is feeling calm ‘shares’ their calm with the child experiencing the intense emotions. The first step is helping yourself calm down. This is not easy. When your child first goes into meltdown it is unlikely that you feel calm, in fact your arousal level is probably extremely high. But the most important thing you can do is to regulate yourself so that your child can coregulate with you. When my son has a big meltdown, I’ve learned to start by focusing on my breathing. I really really focus on it and intentionally increase the length of the inhale and exhale. I say to myself in my head over and over “just focus on my breathing”. Rather than feeling helpless and that I’m not doing anything, I feel in control as I am doing something – I am breathing deeply, lowering my arousal level so that my child can sense my calm and start to feel calmer themselves. I cannot stress enough how this is the number one meltdown strategy. I understand that to an onlooker it may look like you are sitting there strangely calm ‘doing nothing’ whilst your child is screaming and throwing things but actually you are doing a lot.
• Keep language minimal – try not to talk to your child when they are in meltdown. If you have to talk, try to use keywords. It can be really tempting to soothe your child. We are taught to validate our children’s emotions so it can be tempting to say things like “you seem to be really upset and frustrated, it’s ok I’m here” but actually a child in meltdown needs quiet, space and time and having words to process adds to the overwhelm.
• Calm low stimuli space – if you can direct your child to a calmer safer space then do so. If you need to stay where you are then consider closing curtains, turning lights and TV off etc.
• Safety – keeping your child and yourself safe is key. Consider having a pillow or therapy ball to put between yourself and your child if needed.
• Sensory calming activities – these will depend on your child’s sensory needs. Some children find deep pressure calming and benefit from a tight hug/squeeze, some prefer a weighted blanket or lycra body sock. Some children use fidget toys, some find rocking helpful. These strategies usually work best once the child is starting to calm down and not when the child first goes into meltdown. Sometimes having a therapy ball against a wall that the child can push against can be helpful during the main meltdown so that they can get their aggression out in a safe way and the proprioceptive and deep tactile feedback from this activity can help lower their arousal level.
• Change of face – if there are 2 adults in the house, consider swapping with the other adult for a period of time. Even though you have not done anything wrong, in fact you may have just spent half an hour in a stressful situation trying really hard to stay calm, your child can still benefit from a fresh face.
• Patience – meltdowns can last a long time. As long as you and your child are safe then you just need to be there with your child focusing on your breathing. I like to say things to my child in my head. Once I have calmed my breathing down, I will start to think “I love you, you’ve got this, this will pass, you are going to be ok” – I don’t actually say this out loud but having these positive thoughts and feeling love for my child really helps me and the better I feel, the easier it is for my son to regulate.
• Boundaries – it is ok to have boundaries. For example, it’s not ok to kick, spit, bite etc. It is important that your child knows that even though they can’t hit and kick you, it is ok to express emotion, to cry, shout, be angry etc. Sometimes demonstrating a subtle change can be helpful, for example instead of kicking, show your child how to stomp on the ground. Instead of hitting you, show them how to hit or push the therapy ball.
• Aftercare – after a meltdown your child will be exhausted and can easily go back into meltdown so keep demands low ideally for the rest of the day but for at least 90 minutes. A drink and a snack can be helpful.

I hope this information is helpful. 

Hanna