Back to school mixed emotions

I really wanted to check in with you in case you're feeling as ??! as I am! I've put '??!' because I'm really sure how I'm feeling!

Summer was ok. My children are nearly 12 and 13 and the summer holidays are definitely not as hard for me as when they were younger. We also know what works and keep things simple so whilst it was by no means stress free, it was ok! I'm also super fortunate to have amazing parents who live nearby so thanks mum and dad for all your support.

My eldest is going back to the same special school which he enjoys. After 2 years of the same teacher and classroom, he is moving to a new class so he was understandably apprehensive this morning but he went in ok.

My younger son who we now have an EOTAS package for has his first day at in person alternative provision today! He's not been in an education setting since January so this is huge for him. I believe he is ready and it's only 2 days per week, but he doesn't think so. He says he hates me and hates his life and everything is all my fault. I imagine you've been there! He went reluctantly this morning and my husband took him as he is more chilled than I am and so best placed to co regulate. My husband is sat in a supermarket cafe next to the alternative provision in case they need to call him! Unfortunately it's 50 minutes away from our house. Success in my eyes would be if my son tells me tonight that it was 'ok'. As you may well have experienced, an 'ok' from kids is often high praise!

So that's the back story and now onto my mixed up feelings! When I dropped my son off I just wanted to cry. But it wasn't the tears of relief I was expecting. And it felt odd not to feel relieved, I felt annoyed that I wasn't gifted the feeling of relief - both kids had gone to school, we'd done it...why was I not feeling the relief I craved?! I knew I needed air and a walk so I walked in the rain through the woods to the sea. That really helped. I threw a stone into the sea and I felt a burst of anger rise up. I allowed it for a moment and then pushed that back down - I'm not ready to go there at the moment and I'll return to that with my mentor. As I walked, I realised that I'd expected relief as it is the end of a chapter in our lives - the end of summer holidays, the end of my youngest son not having any provision, the end of me never having a moment in my house alone without my son being there. So why was I not feeling relief and celebration?...I think it's because there is no pause, no break, we're straight into the new chapter that is beginning and it's into the unknown. This new chapter could potentially be even harder than the last one! And whilst I'm feeling positive about it and I am hopeful things will be better, I know it'll be a bumpy ride because the SEN parent journey is a rollercoaster as you know. What I've learned from this morning is the importance of allowing all the feelings, being curious about them and giving myself some time to walk it out! I feel so much better now and I feel able to co regulate with my children at the end of their day.

Perhaps you resonate with parts of what I've said. Perhaps your experience and journey is very different. Whatever the case, I hope you manage to get some time to get curious about the feelings that September brings up for you and I hope you have some support to process them as it can be confusing and overwhelming.

Hanna