Vulnerable share - my masking, meltdown & burnout

A few weeks ago, I ran the sensory area at the first ever Furness Autism Expo and it was great! You can see me in the photo giving one of my 'quick fix sensory strategy' demos. The day was a huge success and I am excited for next year.

Whilst on a professional level the day went well, from a personal perspective, it was challenging. This feels like quite a vulnerable share but I am hoping it may be helpful for any other late diagnosed autistic and/or ADHD people who read my newsletters as well as for anyone who would like to reflect on the topics of masking and burnout.

When I arrived at the Expo to set up, there was a lovely atmosphere. All the volunteers were also neurodivergent and I felt I could be myself. I took my shoes straight off and it felt so good to be at a professional event in a conference centre where I could take my shoes off without even thinking about it. Two men offered to help and I asked them to put my jigsaw floor mats together but to make sure that no two colours the same were touching and I didn't feel crazy or apologetic saying that! I also loved that they replied, "well of course we wouldn't do that"! It was my first time being at an event related to autism and being openly autistic and so far it felt good and I belonged.

Then a man came to talk to me. He started telling me all the reasons he could tell I was autistic and I fell apart (inside). I made an excuse about the toilet and I ran off to the wellbeing room and had a meltdown. I felt so much shame for having a meltdown. The event had only being going 10 minutes so I suspected I was the first meltdown of the day and I was meant to be there as a professional. I had this conflicting sense of wanting to be myself, but then over 40 years of trying to fit in and mask. I have almost prided myself on being the best masker ever and I didn't really want anyone to know I'm autistic unless I chose to tell them. So being told that I was clearly autistic felt like an insult, but then I felt guilt and shame for thinking that.

I sorted myself out (I genuinely did use some of the 'quick fix strategies' that I teach people) and I went for the opening speech. But when the Chair of The National Autistic Society Furness said he was proud to be autistic, that set me off again! There were so many confusing feelings and thankfully Jemma Swales (who I've mentioned before related to being an amazing support with my children), took me off to the wellbeing room (again!) and helped me calm down properly.

Once I started my first talk I was fine as I was in Hanna Munro OT mode and smashing it. I say I was fine, I genuinely felt fine and could function well but I was pushing down a whirlwind of emotion. And that was on top of the demands of a busy day with lots of people and background noise. By the end of the day and packing up time, I was bumping into things and struggling with speech. This made me think of children who seem fine in school and are able to do their work at a high level but then how that impacts their energy and emotions that evening or weekend.

The day after the Expo I had the hangover of holding all that confusing emotion in all day. I woke up with a migraine and I felt burned out. I was meant to be going to Manchester at the weekend and I had to cancel. I had to let a family member down and I felt terrible but I couldn't function. When children tell us that they can't make it in to school, I get it. I was stood in the middle of my kitchen looking at the mess and I couldn't even put one spoon into the dishwasher or find the energy to get a yoghurt out the fridge. I went back to bed. Three days later I still felt fragile but I had pretty much recovered as this was just the result of one major day, rather than weeks and weeks of pushing through.

The terms masking and burnout are used a lot and in many ways it's a good thing that so many people are familiar with these important concepts for neurodivergent people. However, I feel that sometimes they are used almost too casually, without proper understanding of the huge implications on physical and mental health and wellbeing. I've also heard some professionals say things like, everyone masks or it's helpful to mask to some extent. And whilst I do understand the points that those professionals are trying to make, it can minimise the experience of neurodivergent people who are spending huge amounts of their energy trying to hold it together.

Thanks for listening.

Hanna